Thoughts of a Sprite

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Warning: Extreme Rant

The following text may not be appropriate for children. If you have an affinity for Trigonometry you should skip this entry.

Begin Rant/

I have come to the conclusion that I hate trig. This has been an ongoing hatred for me. It starts when a straight A student, who goes to class, pays attention, does her homework, and spend an inordinate amount of time in the math lab, and in the teachers office during office hours, cannot do her homework. I have come to the realization that I need a tutor.

We have a page of formulas, which are not normal formulas. There are simply no numbers, you have alphas and thetas, and omegas, and betas... And a few 1's and 2's, and even a theta/2, what ever that means. There is no solving them to a real number. I remember back in Pre calc, I thought that was difficult, we had formulas, but you always managed to find an answer that you could pluck back into the original equation and check to see if it was the right answer.

Further more, there are several variations for some of these formulas. And each one can be manipulated to look like something else. It is literally Greek. I work on a problem, and get an answer, and I am like "oh yeah, I am starting to get it" then as soon as I get to the next problem it is completely different, and I don't even know how to start it. You have no idea how frustrating it can be to just have no clue how to even start a problem. So you skip it and go to the next problem and it is the same damned thing, Greek!

What adds to this aggravation is that we were told at the beginning of this class that if we were not going on to calculus, which thank God, I am not, we would learn everything we need to know about trig in the first month. Well that month has come and gone baby. So at this point I am stressing my self over useless knowledge. I will never again use it.

I think that some of my aggravation and frustration with trig is a displacement of my anger. (yes I am going all psychological on you) I am angry at my current medical situation, I am nervous about tomorrow's surgery, and I have chosen trig to take it out on. I am also a perfectionist when it comes to a lot of things, and school is at the top of that list. There is always that question, no matter how well I do, "how could I have done better?" I know yall are probably thinking that I am a loon by now... I am almost obsessive about my grades. And I currently have a B average in this class, and if that wasn't painful enough, I don't see myself doing any better on the next test. It is simply beyond my comprehension. To actually admit this is hard, but to accept it is even harder. I refuse to believe that I can't do something. But it seems no matter how hard I try, it just gets harder. I am not perfect... (surprise surprise) and no matter how hard I strive for perfection, In trig I will not achieve it. I can accept this. What I will not except is that I I can't get at least a remedial understanding of this crap! I am not stupid, there is nothing dumb about me, sure I have blonde moments, I am after all blonde, but I am an intelligent blonde...

Is there a trig pill I can take, and understand it? Is there something I am not doing right? Is there something I can do better? What must I do to understand this she*t?

I will leave you with that mouth full...

End rant/

Moving on, Surgery is tomorrow. Yeah... (insert sarcastic voice) I will be put to the knife at 9:15 am, say a prayer that I don't knock the doctor out... Just kidding. I had an anxiety attack the other night. I could not breathe, my chest hurt, my back hurt, my heart was thudding, and when I closed my eyes the room seemed to spin around me. It was then that I realized that even though my world has seemed to come to a stand still, the real world just keeps on going, at the speed of life. Have you ever seen those time lapse recordings.... I am living one. It is like I am standing still, problems and worries in hand, and everything around me just moves by so quickly. No matter how hard I try to move, I cannot. I have been experiencing some pretty devastating nightmares. Some of the past, which is nothing unusual, some of what has not yet come to pass, and may never be... The time lapse dream is recurring. As well as a few that I will not get into.

On a more positive note, (yes I have good news too!) I received this email from my teacher the other day.... (AL is the Dean of the College of Liberal Arts)

"Talked with Al the other day and things look real positive. I don't know how long it takes things to shake out over there, but look for good news soon. Please let me know when you hear something."

So that was a bit of comfort! I have anxiously checked my mail on a daily basis! There is some pay off to hard work and High expectations (Lttlamb)! I will be on cloud nine when I receive my acceptance letter. It was a childhood dream that I attend UF. I was raised a gator fan, but more than that, it is a good school. It lies in the heart of what I considered my child utopia. Florida was always home base for me, no matter where I moved, or how rough things were, I knew that I would be spending the summer here, and that one day I would live here and eventually attend UF... That dream is within my reach, and when I grab hold of it, I will not let go! (granted there will be no trig at the University for me, otherwise I might have had to reconsider... Just kidding)

Well dears, I am sure that you are tired of reading, and I have left off on a positive note, so here is where I shall end today's entry... I am not sure when I will feel like updating next... But will do so as soon as I feel up to it!

shes_a_sprite @ 8:29 AM.

1 comments

Rachel said...

My friend, I never tire of reading your words. I am thinking about you, big hugs.

1:55 PM